Issued in the Year of Our Sovereign Edmund the Steadfast
Ratified under the Seal of the Vigilant Crown
Preamble
Whereas it is the solemn duty of the Crown to ensure the clarity, stability, and sanctity of information within the Kingdom of Eyehasseen, and
Whereas it has been observed that the winds of interpretation blow with careless force, scattering both fact and fiction across the hills of the realm, and
Whereas the well-being of the citizenry depends not only upon food, shelter, and fine hats, but also upon the unerring accuracy of the truth they are permitted to perceive—
Let it be resolved and eternally recorded, under the direction of His Most Excellent Majesty Edmund the Steadfast, Sovereign of Eyehasseen and Defender of the Real, that there shall be constituted a Ministry of Truth, vested with noble purpose, dignified function, and eyes on nearly everything.
Article I: Mandate and Scope
1.1 The Ministry of Truth shall bear responsibility for the formulation, preservation, dissemination, refinement, and if absolutely necessary, gentle redirection of all matters deemed truthful, important, or slightly confusing to the average subject.
1.2 The Ministry shall maintain a central archive known as the Repository of Objective Interpretation, wherein historical records, scientific conclusions, journalistic materials, and national messaging shall be kept, reviewed, annotated, and occasionally altered with solemn justification and well-sharpened pencils.
1.3 The Ministry shall have purview over all textual, visual, auditory, and symbolic forms of information, including (but not limited to): pamphlets, newspapers, radio broadcasts, official speeches, murals, coin inscriptions, handwritten notes left on royal notice boards, and the curious messages sometimes found in teacups.
1.4 The Ministry shall hold exclusive authority to determine what constitutes:
- Truth
- Acceptable Untruths for Purposes of Public Calm
- Permitted Speculation
- Unfortunate Misapprehensions Best Left Alone
Article II: The Office of Propaganda
2.1 The Office of Propaganda shall be entrusted with beautifying truth and refining its delivery, ensuring it appears attractive, unified, and suitable for placement on public buildings and collectible mugs.
2.2 It shall produce all government-approved slogans, illustrations, mass campaigns, civic inspiration events, and, if necessary, emergency jingle broadcasts.
2.3 All public communications shall pass through a Review for Emotional Resonance, the details of which are confidential and conducted in a room with red velvet walls.
2.4 All citizens shall be encouraged to repeat slogans in moments of national reflection, including but not limited to: parades, budget announcements, and when bread is slightly dear.
Article III: The Communications Agency
3.1 The Communications Agency shall allocate, manage, and monitor the airwaves, print routes, and vocal corridors through which the Kingdom speaks to itself.
3.2 No broadcast shall commence without formal registration, a frequency certificate, and a cup of tea left unattended for three minutes (a ritual whose meaning is lost but rigorously enforced).
3.3 Any attempt to operate an unlicensed printing press, signal tower, or pigeon loft of communicative purpose shall be met with a strongly worded citation and an invitation to explain one’s views in an acoustically isolated chamber.
3.4 The Agency shall oversee:
- All press passes (renewable yearly unless revoked for excessive adjectives)
- All government announcements (mandatory in tone, not always in content)
- All spontaneous public messaging (which, when discovered, is no longer spontaneous)
Article IV: The Media Integrity Council
4.1 The Media Integrity Council shall monitor the nation’s press with kindness, discretion, and an unblinking gaze.
4.2 Journalists shall enjoy full freedom to speak the truth, provided they have received appropriate training, submitted three samples of previously acceptable writing, and filed Form 24-F (“Intent to Inform”) with the Council.
4.3 The Council shall maintain the Register of Questionable Phrasing, to be updated weekly with expressions found to be:
- Needlessly alarming
- Syntactically untidy
- Falsely optimistic
- Too interesting
4.4 Journalists found guilty of “intentional distortion, speculative fabrication, or egregious metaphor” may be assigned to cover weather indefinitely.
Article V: The Scientific Inquiry Commission
5.1 The Scientific Inquiry Commission shall ensure that the pursuit of knowledge is methodical, rational, and not excessively noisy.
5.2 All experiments must be pre-approved, observed, documented, peer-reviewed, and ideally not involve anything that glows unnaturally.
5.3 Discoveries which contradict previous truths shall be subject to a Philosophical Reconciliation Panel, in which representatives from Truth, Propaganda, and Theology will nod thoughtfully for several hours before issuing a mild disclaimer.
5.4 All scientific publications shall include:
- A complete bibliography
- A brief summary understandable to a village mayor
- A diagram, ideally with arrows
- A clause granting the Ministry editorial discretion in case the results are “a bit much”
Article VI: The Office of Historical Accuracy
6.1 The Office of Historical Accuracy shall safeguard the Kingdom’s chronological narrative and ensure that the past remains appropriately solemn, instructive, and flattering to the present.
6.2 No history shall be publicly taught or disseminated without passing the Threefold Historical Test:
- Is it well-sourced?
- Is it narratively sound?
- Does it reflect positively on the monarchy (within reason)?
6.3 Minor alterations to historical records for purposes of clarity, national cohesion, or poetic effect shall be permissible upon approval of the Board of Regulated Memory.
6.4 Citizens found distributing alternative histories without license may be required to attend a Corrective Reenactment and write letters of apology to persons long deceased.
Article VII: Observation and Correction
7.1 The Ministry shall maintain a presence at all public events, academic forums, spontaneous gatherings, and most dinner parties.
7.2 Corrections shall be issued gently, via printed notice, revised signage, or by replacing spoken words mid-broadcast with more agreeable phrasing.
7.3 Those who persist in disseminating “counter-narratives,” “data anomalies,” or “unofficial memoirs” shall be given an opportunity to revise their recollections under Constructive Reflection Supervision (CRS), located in the east wing of the Ministry (formerly the wine cellar).
Article VIII: Eternal Truth & the Flexibility Thereof
8.1 Truth is defined as that which is confirmed, curated, and disseminated by authorized agents of the Ministry.
8.2 Truth may be amended in the light of new evidence, revised priorities, or spontaneous reevaluation by the High Panel of Certainty, who meet every fourth Tuesday.
8.3 Once amended, truth is no longer the prior truth, and citizens shall henceforth believe the updated truth, whether or not they were aware of the previous one.
8.4 Statements formerly untrue, but now true, shall be considered to have always been true.
Article IX: Symbols and Oaths
9.1 The Ministry’s official emblem shall consist of a quill, scroll, magnifying glass, and watchful eye, framed by laurel and bound by ribbon reading “Veritas in Vigilantia.”
9.2 All staff of the Ministry shall swear the Oath of Lucid Disclosure, pledging:
“To know the truth, to tell it well, to conceal it politely when necessary, and to never let clarity fall into disuse.”
9.3 The Ministry’s official song, “One Voice, One Vision, All in Harmony,” shall be played before all announcements, ideally in E minor.
Final Declaration
Let it be proclaimed: the Ministry of Truth stands not as a barrier to liberty, but as its chaperone. It guards against chaos, corrects memory with care, and ensures that what is known remains both safe and suitable.
In times of uncertainty, remember:
You may not know what is true—
But the Ministry does.