Ministry of the Populi | Crime & Punishment Agency
“We uphold the peace… and occasionally the pies.”
The Kingdom of Eyehasseen is a peaceful realm—but even the gentlest lands need watchful guardians. The Crime & Punishment Agency exists to uphold justice, preserve civil order, and ensure that even the most curious mischief has consequences.
Our work is guided by fairness, moderation, and a deep affection for the quirky, unpredictable nature of Eyehasseen’s citizenry. From sheep theft to excessive bell-ringing, from unlicensed dueling to fountain-splashing at unpermitted hours, we are the stewards of common sense and uncommon situations.
🏰 Duties of the Agency
- Town Constables & Realm Marshals – Maintain order in villages and shires, respond to petty crimes and noble nonsense.
- Dispute Resolution Officers – Mediate everything from property squabbles to interpretive dance feuds.
- Court Summoners – Ensure all parties appear promptly and properly attired (unless excused by hat).
- Custodians of Public Peace – Respond to disturbances, noise complaints, and “raucous merrymaking without a permit.”
- Keepers of the Lost and Misplaced – Reunite items and animals with their rightful homes; dragons require special forms.
- Wardens of the Royal Dungeons (Ceremonial) – Maintain the symbolic dungeon tower. No one is actually imprisoned, but the tour is excellent.
- Officers of Symbolic Restitution – Administer alternative punishments including Public Poetry Recitation, Pie Restocking, or Service in the Ministry of Boring but Necessary Things.
🧾 Punishments, Restitutions & Resolutions
We believe in restorative justice, where punishment fits not only the crime—but also the creativity of the realm.
Some sample infractions and resolutions:
- Minor Cake Theft: Offender must bake a replacement cake and deliver it by procession, with appropriate song.
- Unlawful Fencing (literal): Must paint the fence a cheery color and write an ode to boundary lines.
- Public Moping Without License: Assigned one week as Joy Herald, complete with bell and compliments.
We favor compassion, humor, and a firm understanding of what not to do next time.
📌 Contact the Agency
Citizens may report grievances, violations, or mysterious footprints by:
- Visiting the Constabulary Pavilion in their district
- Filing a Complaint of Notable Nonsense
- Ringing the Justice Bell (between sunup and sundown)
Justice in Eyehasseen is gentle, wise, and often wears a feathered hat.