“Every coin accounted for. Every eyebrow raised—when necessary.”
Nestled in the quieter, dustier corridors of His Majesty’s civil apparatus, the Office of the Royal Auditor exists not to make war, policy, or fortune—but to ensure that others don’t make off with it. With an eye like a hawk and a temperament like cold tea, the Royal Auditor reviews, reconciles, and occasionally reprimands the Kingdom’s financial machinery.
This venerable office functions independently of the Exchequer, reporting directly to the Crown. Its ledgers never lie, and if they do, someone rather soon will be summoned for “a little chat.”
🔎 Mandate and Duties
📖 Auditing Government Accounts
Ministries, bureaus, embassies, and even the Royal Kennels submit to the impartial review of the Auditor’s Office. Every budget, balance sheet, and biscuit allowance is subject to scrutiny.
🧾 Investigation of Financial Irregularities
When things go missing, or worse, go unbalanced, the Royal Auditor’s agents are dispatched with polite smiles, sharpened pencils, and long silences.
📊 Annual Report to the Crown
A meticulous summary of national spending and departmental performance, presented to His Majesty bound in somber grey, with modest use of exclamation marks.
💡 Recommendations for Reform
The Auditor may (gently) suggest ways to do things more efficiently, more ethically, or at the very least, less amusingly.
🧑💼 Senior Officials
- Lord Basil Undermeadow, Chief Royal Auditor
An implacable figure with spectacles so thick they may count as a defense measure. Not known for levity. Once audited a monastery and asked for receipts for their silence. - Lady Edwina Chirk, Deputy for Ministerial Affairs
Master of cross-tabulations and eyebrow-arching. Invented the phrase, “fiscally implausible.” - Mr. Norbert Telling, Clerk of Discrepancies
Believed to have spotted a missing half-shiel in a 14-volume budget. No one doubted him.
📎 Typical Audit Targets
- Ministry of War & Conflict (“Expenditures noted. Questionable invoices for six war elephants.”)
- The Postal Owlery (“Owl feed expenses appear consistent. Owls, however, have unionized.”)
- The Royal Navy (“Rum rations adequately documented. Ship maintenance less so.”)
“The truth lies not in what is spent, but in who tries not to speak of it.”
— Lord Basil Undermeadow, over tea and dry toast