“We Know Who You’re Not.”
The Counterintelligence Unit (often referred to simply as “the Other Watchers”) serves as the Kingdom’s elite defence against foreign infiltration, espionage, and inconvenient curiosity. Its mission is simple: to detect, disrupt, and discreetly disinvite any efforts to gather intelligence on Eyehasseen by those not employed by Eyehasseen.
Operatives are trained to identify spies, moleholes, double agents, triple agents (who are surprisingly honest), and suspicious behaviour such as asking very specific questions while wearing gloves indoors.
In the words of its founding director: “If you’ve never suspected a fellow dinner guest of being an enemy agent, you haven’t lived—or survived.”
🔍 Core Responsibilities
🕵️ Detection of Foreign Espionage
Maintains constant surveillance for suspicious foreign activity. Common signs include:
- Overuse of the word “fascinating” when looking at ledgers
- Unnatural interest in public waste management schedules
- Unregistered monocles
🧾 Agent Vetting and Clearance
Conducts rigorous background checks, cross-checks, under-checks, and the rare but deeply unsettling sideways-check.
🧪 Deception and Misdirection
Lures enemy agents into carefully staged misinformation traps, also known as “tea briefings”, where fake documents are served with real scones.
🗂️ Internal Security Audits
Performs unannounced audits of all government departments (except the Ministry of Clandestiny itself, of course—that would be unthinkable).
🧑💼 Senior Staff
- Colonel Winifred Stern, Director of Defensive Knowing
Described as “impeccably correct and just slightly terrifying.” - Mr. Cedric Tolliver, Shadow Registrar
Keeps dossiers so detailed they include tea preferences and suspicious twitches. - Agent “Buttonhook”, Infiltration Disruptor
Has never been seen twice in the same hat. Probably for good reason.
🔒 Notable Operations
- “Operation Curtain Twitch” – Neighborhood watch gone professional.
- “Project Misdirection” – Fed enemy agents the wrong dinner seating chart. Political chaos ensued.
- “The Umbrella Swap” – Subtle, confusing, and highly effective.
“If you think we’re watching you, you’re probably right. If you think we’re not, you’re definitely wrong.”
— Colonel Stern, to a startled ambassador