The Official News of the Kingdom of Eyehasseen
https://news.eyehasseen.com
From the farthest hillocks of Westmere to the cobbled streets of Eyehasstown, the The Times-Observer is your trusted source for all the latest in news, culture, governance, and the curious particulars of everyday life in the Kingdom of Eyehasseen.
Established by Royal Charter and printed weekly on ink-stained parchment with the scent of oak and old truths, the Times-Observer is both a public record and a living document of our realm’s journey — its glories, disputes, festivals, betrayals, and sheep-related accidents.
Whether you seek reports from the Ministries, tales from the villages, employment opportunities in high and low places, or scandalous footnotes from the court, the Times-Observer delivers each issue with integrity, wit, and the occasional exaggerated flourish.
Our journalists roam the kingdom on foot, horseback, and (in one tragic case) pigback, to bring you the stories that matter most. We are ever-vigilant, mostly punctual, and sometimes brave.
🖋️ Meet Our Correspondents
Roderick Tharn
Chief Correspondent for State Affairs (News)
Former town crier turned relentless journalist, Tharn has a quill sharper than most swords and a fondness for black coffee and unnecessary footnotes. He once broke the “Sausage Stamp Scandal” of ’18 and has never stopped mentioning it. Prefers facts, detests poetry, and owns three identical grey cloaks.
Henrietta Clay
Senior Cultural Features Writer (Features)
Raised among traveling historians and tapestry weavers, Clay writes with the gentle precision of a botanical illustrator. Known for disappearing into a village for days to “understand the soil.” Carries notebooks tied with twine and collects local lullabies in her spare time.
Theophilus Gant
Editorialist Emeritus (Editorials)
Bearded, bespectacled, and perpetually scowling from a second-floor study, Gant delivers scathing wit and moral conviction in equal measure. Once banned from a local tea room for describing its wallpaper as “a form of violence.” Writes in ink only. Keeps a cane purely for pointing.
Celwyn Vant
Education & Thought Correspondent (Academia)
A former failed monk turned philosopher-at-large, Vant reports on academic life with affectionate skepticism. Believes in the Socratic method, despises early lectures, and often quotes obscure texts mid-conversation. Rumored to sleep in a library broom closet by choice.
Wimbley Grusk
Manager of Classified Notices and Curiosities (Classifieds)
Affable, balding, and blessed with a nose for the odd, Grusk curates the classifieds with gusto. Former pawnbroker. Still barters for pickled eggs. Claims he once received a haunted wheelbarrow in trade and still gets letters addressed to it.
Darla Noakes
Labour & Posts Correspondent (Employment)
Daughter of a coopers’ guildmaster, Noakes is direct, practical, and unafraid to test the job before recommending it. Has held over 47 temporary jobs “for research.” Writes with blunt good sense and a soft spot for apprentice stories. Known to swear at ink blots.
Brother Aurembald
Ecclesiastical Observer (Religion)
Once a monk of the Hilltop Order, now semi-retired and wandering with a satchel of notebooks and mild judgment. Writes with reverence and occasional dry wit. Still insists on using a wax seal for every submission. Keeps a ledger of miracles witnessed and breakfast preferences.
Linett Morven
Domestic Affairs & Archives Reporter (Records)
Steely-eyed and ink-stained, Morven lives for the paper trail. Her desk is covered in old maps, ledger scraps, and tea rings. Once found a royal decree inside a hollowed-out cookbook. Her interviews are clinical, her margins filled with tiny corrections.
Visit news.eyehasseen.com for weekly dispatches, the latest classified listings, royal notices, editorial ponderings, and the ever-entertaining comments from villagers who may or may not have read the entire article.
The Times-Observer: Truth, Ink, and Mild Alarm Since 987.