“All Roads Lead to Wisdom (Unless Marked Otherwise)”
Welcome, traveler. As you step through the North Gate of the Kingdom of Eyehasseen, you will find before you a campus woven from stone, song, and syllogisms. Below is your guide to the sacred and slightly eccentric grounds of St. Leo the Great University.
📍 Main Academic Quad
1. The Forum
The heart of academic life.
– Seminar rooms named for great thinkers (e.g., “Room of the Logos,” “Aristotelian Arcade”)
– Royal Philosophical Tribunal chamber on the second floor
– Coffee forbidden inside (except by special dispensation from the Dean)
2. The Athenaeum Library of Eyehasseen
– Dome-topped and candlelit, with spiral staircases and untraceable shelves
– Restricted Section requires permission and a 500-word essay defending your intent
– Haunted, but only by kind and moderately helpful ghosts
3. The Oratory of the Divine Logos
– Campus chapel
– Latin Mass on Thursdays, Gregorian chant Vespers daily
– Known for spontaneous theological insights and incense-related fainting
4. The Cloister Walk
– Covered stone walkway surrounding the quad
– Students debate, pray, or pace dramatically in togas
– Statues include Socrates, Aquinas, St. Leo, and one completely unknown figure labeled “You, Perhaps?”
🏰 Residential & Refectory Zone
5. Collegium Hall of St. Anselm (Dormitory)
– Divided into two wings: Scholastics & Mystics
– Cold showers only in Lent
– The walls murmur in Latin when no one is watching
6. The Refectory of St. Augustine
– Dining hall where silence reigns at breakfast and poetry is read aloud at dinner
– Roast Boar Wednesdays (optional)
– Students who quote Chesterton get extra butter
7. The Bell of St. Benedict
– Tower bell rung only during exam season, feast days, or student awakenings from epistemological nightmares
– Occasionally tolls of its own volition
🌲 Outer Grounds & Groves
8. The Grove of Reason
– A sacred outdoor space for reflection and Socratic dialogue
– Devices prohibited; owls permitted
– At night, the stars rearrange themselves into syllogisms if you squint just right
9. The Fields of Silence
– Used for walking, prayer, picnics, and melancholic brooding
– No speaking allowed; violators required to write a sonnet in apology
10. The Amphitheatrum Disputationis
– Outdoor amphitheater for debates, lectures, and the annual Festival of Logic
– Last year’s topic: “Resolved: The Nutcracker is a Metaphysical Allegory”
– Occasional appearances by the mysterious Rhetoric Owl
🎭 Special Use Facilities
11. The Hall of Royal Decrees & Diplomatic Scrollery
– Administrative offices, admissions, and the Ministry of Micronational Affairs
– Lost diplomas may be reclaimed after a short pilgrimage and riddle-solving
12. The Socratic Forge (Gymnasium & Training Yard)
– Classical fencing, staff duels, archery, and platonic wrestling
– Weightlifting permitted only when quoting Cicero
– Home of the Eyehasseen Griffins intramural team
13. The Hall of Misplaced Modifiers (Writing Center)
– Tutors available to correct essays, parse Latin, and settle grammatical disputes with elegant violence
🕯️ Mystical, Imagined, or Slightly Questionable Spaces
14. The Chapel of the Dormant Hypostasis
– Door only visible on feast days and when deeply in error
– Said to appear to students right before theological epiphanies (or breakdowns)
15. The Infinite Staircase
– Starts in the Athenaeum basement, ends… nowhere?
– Students have emerged quoting Plotinus fluently
– Do not enter during midterms
16. The Alley of Forgotten Footnotes
– Small corridor between Forum and Library
– Echoes with citations you’ve forgotten to include
– Warning: MLA and Chicago ghosts quarrel here often